Body Image and Stuff

March 31, 2009

I’m pretty stubborn. I mean, even with a complete dissatisfaction in my body (and I mean unwavering, like, peep the evidence of having the same sentiment 3 months ago here), I can still make damn good excuses on why I have no time to go to the gym, but have enough time to sit so still watching a 3-hour back-to-back showdown (of Gossip Girl, The Hills: Lost Scenes, and For the Love of Ray-J) that my ass bone hurts to the point I can’t fall asleep later that night (fuck it, last night). And I can make an excuse as to why Vodka Tonics are appropriate for all occassions (“but, they’re low in calorieeesss.” “no, not after having 6.” “whatever!” *chug*). And why I’m convinced that doing a 4-day fruit/veggie/protein diet once will instantly transform my body into the marvel it’s meant to be (currently on day 2).

But then I saw this:

And thought, I’d really like someone to use my ass as their own personal resting station (1:45). How can I make this happen? Anybody? Bueller?

I’m a girl (see: self-critical) who loves magazines (see: ironically terrible combination). Meaning I get to compare myself to celebrities (who have personal trainers and chefs and money for Shit-and-Seaweed bodywraps, etc.) more than the average female. I get to write about them, too, and post photos of them looking their best (unless specifically writing an “Out and About: Shawty Lookin’ Hurt!” peice, which really isn’t my bag).

And then things like this:

curve-be-gone: courtesy of photoshop.

curve-be-gone: courtesy of photoshop.

come into my life and I bumrush the nearest unassuming male and laugh in his bewildered face because, ha! you kardassian loving pervert, she’s not perfect. Muahahaha.

And then I go back to my corner made of ice cream, corn beef hash, and sandwiches.



March 26, 2009


let me gather my thoughts.

what the hell is this? ray-j couldn’t knock tigerlily up with a 15 minutes o’ fame warranty baby, so now he’s back to music? and with a soundtrack to a reality show? (of which i’m sure 80% of the songs have the word ‘sexy’ in or him speaking in third person.) seriously, i would have rathered they’d had the kid. i’m willing to wait the 20 years it’ll take for the little one to come out with a tell-all book detailing his homelife with those two. i can see it now: cheetahface went all lisa bonet in “angel heart” and ray-j is bobby brown: “i’m still the king of r&b!” what i am not willing to do is watch this again. but for the sake of the post, i digress.

first things first: my apologies, must’ve missed that album release party (:04). but kudos to the usage of the fedora and cigar, because we’ve never seen that before in a modern music video, and you swallow like a pro (pause) (:12). not really a fan of the shout-out to God (:26). you know, the one that precedes the bling and champagne bucket shot, but i wasn’t directing this trash, so more power to inconsistencies. and p.s. you’re a keeper, for real, but the only girl who was ever “ready to do what you say” (:40) was kim kardashian. and now she’s dating reggie bush. zing.

moving along…that joke about ‘caviar’ (1:06) was funny…like yesterday.

no comment on a single thing from 1:25 – 1:35. just more silent head shakes and tsk tsk’s and prayers you don’t try to get into acting (but realizations that ‘chardonnay’ probably will). wait…LOL at 2:05: “i know she wants to dirty up my mattress…” you get half-point for creativity. seriously though, pointing out everything that is wrong with this? i don’t do free labor.