Ugh. Again?

Seriously?

I feel like PEOPLE magazine has six white men on rotation that they give this honor to year after year no matter how old they get or what fine piece of work they may or may not have recently completed.  The sexiest man alive?! should never be some dude who rocks sterling silver rings on every finger like some sort of aspiring gypsy, or who’s part of the small minority still trying to convince a majority that donning a porkpie hat everyday is ok, or who, even when out of character, falls into an accent so slight (and, mind you, unnatural) – like he’s taking a cue from Madonna’s How-To-Hypnotize book – that no one can ever really pinpoint its origin (dude, you’re from Kentucky, and that shit is not Southern).

And, he so looks like the type to stroke his chin hair. I dunno. Maybe he could be the sexiest man alive…you saw…at camp…that one time.

Plus, I heard he prefers reading to Twittering. I’m gonna need my all-encompassing sex stallion to be part of this century, thank you.

I demand a recount.

*told you.

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R77ZP6KY

Solange can do no wrong in my eyes. Truly. Even the shotgun wedding (unplanned pregnancy?) mattered none because the kid turned out to be cute as hell. She doesn’t make me feel bad about myself, unlike someone I know. And for that, I’m eternally grateful, and will continue to support all her questionable-turned-cute haircuts and musical endeavors simply because of it – but also because her shit is good and, if anything, the drop from Interscope is more of a blessing than a curse. Just wait and watch.

Her cover of the Dirty Projectors is unexpected and on point. And she samples Isaac Hayes’ “Bumpy’s Lament” – better known as the Erykah Badu “Bag Lady,” Dr. Dre “Xxplosive,” Lil’ Kim “Drugs,” and Mobb Deep “Back At You” beat.

Hear them both:


Artist.Album.Song.
DirtyProjectors.BitteOrca.StillnessIsTheMove.
Solange.?.StillnessIsTheMove.

9. Because she can rock shades made of razor blades.

8. Because she’s using that Mac Photobooth “Bulge” effect in all seriousness. Cartoon-y eyed bitch.

7. Because she can chug Ukranian vodka straight and not gag.

6. Because she’s managed to merge The Twist with The Monster Mash and make it modern.

5. Because I can’t remember the last time I crawled toward any man and gave him a lap dance in front of all his friends so confidently.

4. Because her shoe game is sick, and I’d need an instructional video, picture-only pamphlet, and color-by-number worksheet explaining how one could ever walk in them.

3. Because for months I’ve been trying to train my pet polar bear to follow me everywhere, and I have yet to figure it out.

2. Because she’s apparently immune to fire.

1. Because I’m pretty sure there is absolutely nothing she fears and won’t at least try.

*Learning a thing or two.

sosa

Last week, major league baseball player Sammy Sosa stepped out at an event in Las Vegas looking several shades lighter than usual. Here was his (b.s.) reasoning:

“I use a cream to keep my skin smooth and soft. I apply it before I go to bed. When I was playing for Chicago all those years, I was in the sun a lot for 1 o’clock games. The flashes (from the cameras) also made my skin look lighter. I’m surprised with the controversy this has caused.” And Sosa would not disclose the name of the cream he uses, saying that it was European and that he was in negotiations to market the product. Spare us, puh-lease.

kim3

Now, while I think the decision to go pale and pasty is his and his alone, I don’t quite understand the reasoning behind it, and if some people could see me now, they’d say, “And you never will…,” because I, myself, am by no means considered “dark” to many. Having parents of two different Caribbean Island backgrounds made me a simple shade of tan. That’s right, tan. I’m not caramel, brown sugar, or butterscotch because I’m not your dessert condiment.

0808_beyonce_loreal_ads_03

So, I play Devil’s Advocate. If being light-skinned is so grand, then why are the ones who were naturally born that way, still subject to ridicule? We’re told we’re acting “high-yella,” even when we’re not, simply because our skin color is enough for rationale. And those “light-bright” and “redbone” nicknames get old quick; in fact, they rival the name-calling that happens on a playground because they’re juvenile and just as insulting. They sure as hell aren’t compliments.

nia1

And if being light isn’t considered superior, than why do both the media and celebrities seem to be so fixated on it? Applying the “Chicken-Or-The Egg” school of thought to this matter, I wonder what came first. Was it the entertainment industry who told us that light-and-bright is always all right? Or is each incident (i.e. skin-bleaching, Photoshop white-washing, etc.) an isolated one, and completely unrelated to another?

November 11, 2009

lupe

melaniesafka

I love when I can show my age and give old people the chance to point and laugh at me about how supposedly ignorant and uneducated I am in musical classics, when the truth is I really had no choice in what year I was born, and therefore had no say in what epic anthems may have slipped under my radar.

So, I hear this little diddly (check it below) on some random station the other night, and think, “Wow, another Regina Spektor, but damnit, it’s catchy.” I picture “Melanie,” the artist, as some blonde with a guitar, and the music video as a slew of scenes with sun rays bouncing off the camera lens. I think she should change her stagename to something more memorable. I think this is a good diversion from the usual “stalker-y” violent songs you hear on the radio nowadays; quite refreshing. But then I go to Wiki-search this up-and-comer and, what the hell, she’s 62? And she’s played Woodstock and Glastonbury. And this tune I’m lovin’ was the only #1 she ever had in the U.S. And maybe 5 different artists have covered it since it’s release – back in 1971. And the lyrics I’m thinking are so damn bubbly and innocent once resulted in the altogether banning of the song from several radio stations for being interpreted as sexual innuendos. (“New key” = nookie? I can see it.)

Why have I never heard of her before? Old-timers, I blame you. Do your effing job and educate the young.

Artist.Album.Song.
MelanieSafka.GatherMe.BrandNewKey.