So, Tiger Woods came out of hiding today and apologized for cheating on his wife, and snatching back the hope he once gave to millions of ill-fated kids and, most importantly, made sure to completely denounce the claim made by media (is that me?) that he took performance-enhancing drugs…because nothing, he tells us, nothing contributed more to his sick addiction than he, himself. Good job, Tiger? And then he cried, but no tears came out. Having said that, his “I’m Sorry” didn’t suck. Too much. And in honor of that, I’ve decided not to write anything original – after all, Tiger’s done inspiring us children! – and instead, will repost an article I wrote way back in July when Chris Brown was who we hated the most. Here ’tis:

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On Monday, Chris Brown issued the long-awaited, yet completely anti-climactic, apology to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. The two-minute video did nothing if not prove that a mock neck looks good on no one but a man of God (Coincidence? I think not!) and that the boy can read from a cue-card like no other singer-turned-actor. In lieu of his botched attempt at exuding sincerity and regret, GIANT gives you the guide to Celebrities and the Art of the Public Apology.

Rule No. 1: Sing a Song
Like Akon. In April 2007, during a performance in Trinidad, Akon told the audience that he was going to have a dance off, and the winning young woman would receive a trip to Africa. The problem? “Africa” is the pet name for his junk, and the recipient of all the simulated sex (see: dry-humping) was a 14-year-old.

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So, he did what any self-respecting singer would do. He released a song entitled “Blame It On Me,” but instead, pointed the finger at everyone else.

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